The Bachelor recap: Beauty and the beef

<em>The Bachelor</em> recap: Beauty and the beef

It’s week three, rose lovers, and you know what that means: “Ladies” stop being (fake) nice and start getting real (bitchy). Let’s dive in!

Harrison arrives at the mansion and tells all the women to put on their glasses.

Just joshin’ — he’s there to drop off the date card, of course. Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelynn, put your faces on and get in the van! In case you’ve forgotten, Hannah B. and Caelynn are pageant-pals-turned-bitter-rivals, so naturally, neither of them is looking forward to spending the whole day competing with each other for Colton’s attention.

Question, rose lovers: If someone asked you out on a date and wanted to take you to Pirate’s Dinner Adventure — which I’m guessing is essentially Medieval Times but with boats — would your mood be a) excited, b) confused, or c) “thank u, next”? To be fair, though, Colton isn’t expecting the women to watch a cheesy show while eating mass-produced rotisserie chicken and mashed potatoes — he wants the women to be in that cheesy show. But beware, “ladies” — only two of you will earn the honor of performing in front of a bunch of tourists. Let the pirate training begin! The pirate training, by the way, looks a lot like American Gladiators.

Though she didn’t give much of an effort during the giant Q-tip battle, Caelynn does spend plenty of time flirt-sparring with Colton, much to Hannah B.’s dismay. And when Tracy and Caelynn are chosen to perform in the show with Colton, Hannah B. is shocked, hilariously so.

“Honestly, this sucks,” she pouts. “It brings out all of my insecurities and I start to spiral.” (Am I the only one who started chanting, “Spi-ral! Spi-ral! Spi-ral!” when she said this?) Hannah B. is determined to fill Colton in on “the truth about Caelynn” that night at the cocktail party. Speaking of which, what happened to poor Katie’s leg?

I hope Pirate’s Dinner offers workers compensation. More to the point, Katie and Colton do seem to have genuine chemistry together. But why should we see more of their cute chat when Demi’s over in the holding area triggering Tracy by reminding her that she’s ancient? “If I was an older girl surrounded by younger women, I can’t imagine how uncomfortable I would feel,” says Demi, as Heather and Kirpa look on in a mixture of disbelief and amusement.

So yeah, the whole Bathrobe-gate situation from last week clearly isn’t settled. “You’re taking personally me giving you a different point of view on something,” says Tracy, trying to stay calm. Demi shoots back, “And it’s been made very clear that you’re making attacks on me right now.” Huh? Did we miss something, Team Bachelor? If there’s more footage of Demi vs. Tracy and you’re holding out on us – well, that’s just not very nice.

Also, not very nice? The nasally whine of Demi’s voice. And her laugh, which I truly wish I could capture in some sort of audio-GIF, but that technology does not yet exist (or, at least, it’s beyond my capabilities) so this will have to do.

“Every time I smell you, I’m like, ‘Mmmmmm!’ You know what I mean?” she purrs. “And I can tell that I always make you nervous.” Then for some reason, she gets all S&M on him and spanks him with what looks like a wooden cutting board.

As much as Demi talks about how she “challenges” and “excites” Colton, pretty much anyone with eyes can see that he’s not, like, into it. (And him kissing her doesn’t mean he’s into it — the dude kisses everyone.) Courtney, meanwhile, is rankled because Demi interrupted her chat with Colton, so she asks if she can talk to Demi privately for a moment. “Okay,” sighs a clearly irritated Demi, after a pause. “Sure.” Girl, if you don’t want to keep getting pulled aside for “please don’t be a bitch” pep talks, then please don’t be a bitch! (Next: The pageant drama begins!)

Chris Harrison hosts the veteran reality romance series. Will you accept this rose?

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